For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. (Psalm 32:4-5)
When I read these verses this morning, they just leapt off the screen at me. What an accurate description of what happens when our heart is heavy with sin. That feeling that sits in the depths of our spirit that let’s us know we have sinned, that we have wronged God. If we fail to confess it, that feeling does not go away. It grows, gains weight, and can develop into shame.
Shame is dangerous. Shame makes us want to hide, put on a mask, and pretend everything is not so filthy. Shame is a weight we cannot bear, and we begin to disperse this weight through blame or justification of our actions. Or worse, we seek release in things or people who can’t give us peace.
Recently, I had this very feeling sitting in the depths of my spirit. Only problem, I didn’t know where I had wronged God. I began searching my heart, my actions, my life. I confessed every willful sin I could find; I came clean with every little sin I’d been glossing over. But the feeling still remained.
I opened the Bible and began reading scripture. Seeking ease from this feeling in His word was the only place I knew to turn. The first passage I was led to was Psalm 19:12
“But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults.”
And as I buried myself in the Psalms, God began convicting me of sneaky little attitudes that I had let slip into my life. I had opened the door, and they slithered in when I wasn’t looking.
So when you feel that heavy hand upon your heart, take some time to discern it’s source. Don’t dismiss it, don’t deny it. Open the Bible, open your heart to God, and let Him guide you. Don’t play hide ‘n seek with sin; seek out the truth, seek out forgiveness, and hide His Word in your heart.