I’ve begun my new book, and was excited to feel the ideas just pouring from me. Usually it comes in spurts, but I outlined the whole thing last night within a couple of hours. My fingers flew across the keyboard as characters took shape, scenes played out, and settings painted themselves.
I am undeniably in everything I write, because everything I write is a part of me in one way or another. But this time it is not just pieces; I have placed myself as an actual character in the book. This is scary, because I always put my characters through so much. Circumstances that I create for my characters tend to wring the worst out of them. And if they are smart, they’ll learn, grow, and be changed.
Writing about an aspect of your life is grueling enough. But to take your emotions, faults, weakness, and strengths in their entirety is difficult to do. I have placed myself under the microscope and asked God to dissect me, to open up the infected areas and drain them. Unfortunately there will be no anesthesia for this process, no pain killers to mask the agony. Raw pain, raw emotions, bared for all to see.
My philosophy on my writing is that if I uncover the secret mess that I am, and one person is changed …then it was worth it. If my mistakes are something you learn from without having to travel the same dangerous roads, then let me expose my faults.
Almost 10 years ago, Jesus rescued me from a dark pit. And just like Psalm 40 says, He gave me a firm place to stand, put a new song in my mouth, and wrote His laws on my heart. I am far from perfect, as this book will clearly attest too. But my relationship with Christ is something I hold dear. It is not a game, it is not an act, and it is not merely a title that I hold. It is so precious to me, because I can see a clear difference between my life then and now. I can taste the sweetness, because I’ve tasted bitterness. I can enjoy the freedom, because I’ve been in bondage. And I deeply inhale His refreshing fragrance, because I have been unable to breathe. My prayer is that my writing will keep at least one person from feeling the extremes. Let them know the joy without the pain. Let them bask in His light before they have to experience the depths of darkness.